Chapter 10

"Let the slave girl bring out the sediment of your heart, accumulated from daily fatigue! Come on! Shout it out and feel refreshed!"

The slave girl’s clear smile and her bright, husky voice. Today, for some reason, he couldn’t look directly at these two elements that he usually observed from the side. Renge bowed his head. The shadow of night fell over the square, and the sandy ground was visible.

“I’m a novice adventurer. Today, I fought a new type of monster in the dungeon...”

“Really?! You must have been so tired! Good job!”

He began to recount the day’s events bit by bit. The slave girl smiled and nodded enthusiastically, her voice full of energy, as if she were pulling Renge into a whirlpool of affirmation, just as he had seen her do before.

“I’ve been promoted from a porter to a front-liner during this time, and I’ve been doing pretty well... but today, I was completely useless.”

That’s right. The intelligent monster. The moment it appeared, Renge became nothing more than a hindrance. He had been trying to improve himself, aiming to silence the female mage, but...

“I thought I could do more... but I couldn’t at all... I thought I was better, but I was completely useless...”

“I understand!”

The slave girl strongly affirmed something Renge had believed without any basis.

“It’s okay! You’ve worked hard up until now! You’ve never forgotten to put in effort and have always moved forward without losing sight of your goals! There’s no way that won’t be rewarded!”

“Is that so?”

“Yes, it is!”

“Haha, I guess so.”

He tried to nod but couldn’t move his head up and down. No, that’s not it. He knew it couldn’t be. He understood that no matter how much he tried, if there were no results, it was meaningless. If he became a hindrance to others, he would be a nuisance. If he couldn’t accomplish anything, he would eventually be cast aside. People can’t be unconditionally kind to others. Renge couldn’t either.

“I’ve worked pretty hard, I think.”

“Absolutely, you have!”

To avoid being abandoned, to be able to look down on others, he increased his knowledge of the dungeon, learned magic, and trained his body. Every time he learned something new, every time he did something new, his pride grew heavier. He couldn’t help but think, “I’ve done all this, haven’t I?” He couldn’t help but lament, “Why isn’t it paying off?”

“But why can’t I be like everyone else...”

“What are you talking about?! You are the one and only you in this world! No one else can compare!”

He knew. It wasn’t just him. Others were building up their skills too. He just hadn’t seen it. His party members were all seasoned adventurers. Even the female mage.

“I didn’t want to lose, I didn’t want to give up, I was so determined. Maybe I was too reckless, but I’ve been working hard.”

“Competitiveness is a treasure! The secret to success is never giving up on trying! You’re amazing for instinctively understanding that success doesn’t come on the first try!”

Amazing, amazing, amazing.

The slave girl said this without hesitation, fully affirming him.

Amazing, amazing, amazing... where?

People are always ranked. Results are relative. What good is being praised for the process? If Renge and the female mage were compared as adventurers, a hundred people would unanimously say the female mage was superior. Every time he saw her power, which was so different from his, he wanted to scream.

Different talents, different backgrounds, different upbringings!

But even if he screamed, the answer would be the same.

‘Huh. So what?’

That’s it.

That’s the truth.

“I came to this city because I wanted someone to recognize me...”

“It’s okay! Your hard work will definitely be recognized!”

“Where I was born was so boring, a place where you couldn’t even dream. I wanted to go somewhere bigger, so I came to this city.”

His disjointed, pitiful, and embarrassing words.

Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic. He hated himself. His shameful heart was loathsome. He had become an adventurer, dreaming of being a hero, inspired by the tales of the brave who pulled a sword from the earth, a symbol of people’s hopes in the dungeon.

But why?

Why could he only envy others when he had dreamed of being a hero who helped people? Ah, damn it. That’s right.

Because he didn’t want to be a hero for someone else.

He wanted to be praised. He wanted to be remembered in history. He wanted others to be there for him, for him alone.

But he couldn’t even live on his own, let alone help others.

“Having dreams is a good thing! Because of dreams, people can move forward! Don’t worry! This city has a wide embrace! There will be many more encounters ahead!”

No use.

No matter how much he was affirmed, it didn’t resonate with Renge’s heart. The self-blame wouldn’t clear. His body wouldn’t accept it. His heart wouldn’t accept it. His mind continued to punish itself.

Still, the words spilled out in a broken stream. Renge wasn’t listening to the slave girl anymore. He was just pouring out his words, catching only the sound of her enthusiastic nods, as if throwing away the fragments of his shattered heart.

He was born in a small town and came out. He was tired of the closed, predictable life.

He came to this city, boasting that he could do more, that he would become a great adventurer, that he would become a cool and respectable adult.

He was a fool.

He wanted his foolish and common journey to be affirmed.

The slave girl nodded and affirmed his journey, from coming to the city, joining his current party, repeating failures and successes, and receiving a sword from the leader. Her husky voice affirmed everything about Renge since he came to the city.

“After all that adventuring and fighting, I... I... that person of my generation—”

“...”

Just as Renge was about to talk about the female mage he had hurt today, the slave girl’s voice suddenly stopped.

Why? This was the part he most wanted to express. He looked up, puzzled.

“...”

The slave girl was covering her mouth with a placard. Her eyes above her mouth looked at Renge with a troubled expression.

There, the familiar words were written.

‘All-Affirming Slave Girl: 1000 rin for 10 minutes’

Ten minutes had passed.

The slave girl closed her mouth. She wouldn’t affirm him without payment.

How could he get more affirmation?

Easy.

He just needed to give her another 1000 rin.

“...Ah.”

But Renge had come to his senses.

The reason he came here today. The worst mistake he was about to confess.

The incident where the female mage was critically injured because of his inexperience.

He realized he was about to vent his frustration on the slave girl. Did he want her to justify his failure? Did he want her to say, “It’s not your fault”? To say that to the female mage, whom he had wanted to outshine, but who he had hurt because of his inexperience?

Absolutely, that’s what he wanted.

He wanted her to say it wasn’t his lack of ability, that he wasn’t at fault, that it wasn’t his responsibility.

Shamelessly, he had wanted to dump all his shortcomings and cling to the slave girl.

Of course, she would affirm him. She would cheerfully erase his guilt with her clear smile and overwhelming energy.

For 1000 rin.

The moment he realized this, he was plunged into an endless feeling of emptiness.

“I...”

What had he been expecting, fool?

Remember the people she has fully affirmed before. The sister, the young alchemist, even that big brother.

They were all people who had been burdened with some unjust karma and suffered. Not one of them had ever cried out for their failures to be affirmed.

But he had.

For just 1000 rin, a small amount that would be gone with a slightly expensive lunch, what was he seeking?

Hey, Renge. What were you seeking?

“I... Ah.”

What a despicable person.

“Aaaah, aaaaah, aaaaaah!”

He was crushed by self-loathing.

His knees gave out. He fell to the ground, hugging his head and trembling.

Like a turtle that had come ashore, attracted by the sun’s reflection on the water, only to wander in the drought, he curled up, almost dried out.

He thought he couldn’t go on.

Renge sobbed. He clenched his teeth, but the muffled, gurgling sound of his heart’s pain continued to pour out.

He didn’t think he could stand up again.

The slave girl said nothing.

She just looked down at Renge, who was huddled at her feet, with a troubled expression.

Renge continued to cry. Not the hopeful tears of someone purging their heart’s sediment, like the young alchemist, but a relentless cycle of self-blame and loathing. Something indescribable clung to him, layer upon layer, covering his entire body.

“...”

There was a soft sound as something was placed on the ground.

Renge didn’t react. He just wanted to die. He didn’t want to die. He wanted to live. He didn’t know why he was alive. His self-loathing had led him to this extreme, cycling endlessly.

Then, a voice reached his ears.

“...Hey.”

A small, hoarse husky voice. A distinctive low tone for a girl, a gentle and quiet voice that was soothing to the ear.

For a moment, he didn’t recognize whose voice it was.

Then, he realized.

There were only two people here: Renge and her, the girl in a loincloth with a collar.

But he couldn’t believe it.

Because there was no reason for her to do this.

Renge cautiously looked up.

He didn’t think it was possible, but maybe...

There was a girl in front of him.

A girl with silver hair tinged with blue, a face that suited a calm tone, lustrous red lips, and a well-defined chin. She had put down the placard and squatted down to Renge’s eye level.

“...Can I talk for a bit?”

What expression was on her face now?

Not the demure smile she had when waiting, not the energetic smile when affirming, not the hateful expression when negating. Her way of speaking was different from all of those.

The girl in front of him had the expression of a normal person who couldn’t ignore a stranger crying on the street, trying to choose her words carefully to help.

“...To be honest, I don’t really understand you.”

She started, shaking her short, silver hair and looking at him with clear eyes.

It was natural that she didn’t understand.

In reality, Renge and she had almost no connection.

“...I haven’t seen you. I don’t know you. What you did in the past, what you’re doing now, what you want to be in the future. I haven’t seen any of it. I can’t really grasp who you are.”

There was no way she could know Renge in detail.

She was just a stranger, not family, not a friend, not a companion. To her, Renge was a first-time customer. A nuisance who had finally paid and started spilling out his messy life story, only to huddle and cry.

Renge had sought salvation from her unilaterally.

Despite being such a troublesome and annoying person, she spoke to him sincerely.

“...So, maybe it’s better if I don’t say anything unless asked, unless wanted. Unpaid words are very light. ...They probably won’t reach you.”

She spoke slowly, choosing each word carefully, as if handing over her carefully selected thoughts to Renge.

“...Because, in the end, people can’t really understand each other.”

The truth she delivered was too heavy for his heart.

His heart felt constricted, but her words resonated deeply.

She was right.

No matter how much he thought about others, tried to find out about them, or observed them, he couldn’t know their true selves.

They might always be putting on a front, exaggerating their stories, lying, or keeping secrets.

The image of others he saw was just a projection, all self-centered imagination.

“...But, people can always show their true selves.”

Absolutely true.

People can show only what they want to others, but they expose their true selves to themselves.

Renge knew. His own baseness, foolishness, jealousy, meanness, and powerlessness. He kept them all within himself throughout his life.

No matter how hard he tried to lie, hide, or decorate himself, everyone knew their true selves.

“...Because, the one who knows you the most is you.”

He was constantly exposing himself, no matter how insignificant he was.

Seventeen years.

Adults would say, “Just seventeen years. It’s too short to understand anything,” and laugh it off.

But for Renge, those seventeen years were everything.

“...I know a lot of things I don’t like about myself. Even if I try to ignore them... I know myself.”

You can’t understand others, but you can understand yourself.

You know your own baseness, yet others’ nobility shines brightly. Everyone seems admirable.

“...So, maybe you’re hating yourself right now.”

No matter how much you try to ignore it, turn away from it.

You always feel the dirty presence deep within you.

There are always people better than you. The ones at the top shine, making your own inadequacies stand out even more.

“...The more you grow, the more you can do, the more you think you’ve grown, the more you realize... you still can’t do anything.”

The back of the person at the top is too far away. You can’t catch up to the steps of the pioneers. Even if you run with all your might, your own pain only grows, and you don’t feel the distance closing. The suffocating feeling makes you want to stop.

Maybe it’s better to give up.

That’s what he thought.

There are plenty of excuses. I realized the difference in talent. I took responsibility for hurting the female mage. Maybe this isn’t for me. I got scared fighting the strong monster.

All of them are valid reasons to give up.

“...But, there is something in life.”

The girl gently placed her hand on Renge’s cheek.

She wiped away his wet cheeks and tears with her white palm and spoke softly.

“...There will be a moment when you can love yourself. A day when you can understand the meaning of your existence... it will definitely come.”

Not full affirmation. Not full negation.

A lesson the girl had learned from her own life.

“...So, don’t cry. You can only say it with pride when you get there.”

Words that Renge didn’t have in his heart, but that shook him deeply.

He stared at her in a daze, and the girl smiled gently.

“...This is just the beginning of your life.”

For the first time, he realized how deeply his heart could be moved by someone else’s words.

By her soothing voice, gentle touch, and calm smile.

Pathetically, Renge couldn’t return a smile.

“Uuuu.”

Sobs escaped. He couldn’t hold them back. Renge broke down again.

But this time, he looked up. He raised his face, not hiding it. Not the suffocating crying from before, but with his mouth wide open.

“Vaaaaaaaah!”

To purge his heart’s sediment. To wash away the stagnant, murky feelings. With all his might, he shouted and cried, cried, and cried, wailing.

The girl gently stroked his head, as if combing his hair, as he cried until his heart was clear.

“Aaaaaah, uaaaaah, aaaaaah!”

“...”

For a long time, for a long time.

Until the boy’s voice was hoarse and his tears dried, the girl quietly comforted him.